Editor’s note: This is an excerpt from a screenplay in development, based on the short story collection, Five Days of Farkas, by Jake F. Simons.
EXT. GRINDHOUSE PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Luie’s car whips into the parking lot and screeches to a halt across three spaces. Max gets out of the car and Luie opens his door, pokes his head out looking like he’s going to vomit.
MAX
Uh, maybe we should get a cab on the way out of here.
LUIE (clearly sick)
Nah man. I’m good. Just need a little air.
Luie drops his keys on the ground. He gets out of the car and tries to pick them up, accidentally kicking and fumbling them into a nearby drainage ditch.
MAX (laughing)
Dumbass!
LUIE
Damnit! Well I guess we are taking a cab.
MAX
What are you talking about? Reach in and grab your keys.
LUIE
And get my hand bitten off by a gator? Fuck you!
MAX
There ain’t no gators in the storm drain. That’s what they call an urban legend.
LUIE
Well, that urban legend damn near killed me last year.
MAX
Bullshit!
LUIE
Bull-fuckin’-true, motherfucker!
This upcoming monologue is being told over an animated sequence of Luie’s encounter with an alligator which, as it turns out, is actually just a retelling of the moment in “Batman: Knightfall” when Bane and Killer Croc fight in the sewers with Robin tied up to a chair. Luie is telling the story as if he is Bane, complete with abnormal muscle tone and Mexican wrestler’s mask. Robin is a busty woman wearing only lingerie accompanied by Robin’s superhero mask and cape.
LUIE (V.O.) (CONT’D)
It happened when I was shacking up with that Robin chick. I knew that she had to have been kidnapped and taken to the sewers because I found a Florida Gators hat on the floor of her apartment. When I get there, she is obviously all kinds of happy and horny to see me. But right before I can untie her, I am viciously attacked from behind by this monstrous gator. And he was like, ‘Now I’m gonna kill you!’ And I was all, ‘No way!’ And I took an elbow to his chin, and it sounded all like WHOOPA! And he was all like, ‘Ow! I can’t believe how much stronger you are then me!’ And then Robin was all like, ‘You are way sexier than the last guy I fucked who was fighting an alligator!’ So then, I knew that my opportunities were limited, so I gouged him in the eye, picked up Robin and made a run for it. It was then that I made a promise that I would never go anywhere near the sewers again. Because gators will kidnap your girlfriend and kill you.
The animation stops and we come up on Max’s face.
MAX
You’re a dumbass!
LUIE
A dumbass who survived a gator attack!
Luie puts his hand up in attempt to high-five. Max denies him.
MAX
That was “Knightfall.”
LUIE
What-fall?
MAX
That whole scene is from “Batman: Knightfall.”
LUIE
Hm. I am unaware of this story. Is it a new addition to the Batman mythos?
MAX
Dude, you stole that comic from me like 3 years ago.
LUIE
I have no recollection of such events.
MAX
Fuck you. Let’s get a drink.
They start walking to the entrance of the Grindhouse. Max pats Luie on the shoulder.
MAX
Sorry about your keys.
LUIE
It’s all right. I’ll just hot-wire it until I can get Fran to make a new set. Besides… (Motions to the sky) This is just him looking out for me. Making sure I don’t drink and drive.
(Says directly to the sky) I didn’t know you still cared!
CUT TO: INT. THE GRINDHOUSE
Max and Luie enter the mostly empty bar. They walk up to the bar to meet BILLY (mid-30s), a bartender, and SOPHIE (20s), the waitress.
LUIE
Any action tonight?
BILLY
Most everyone’s grabbed up already, except for Sophie here. You know she’ll hop on anything with two legs.
Sophie and Luie both laugh.
SOPHIE
One if you have a little insurance money for losing the other.
They all laugh and Max and Luie start to scope the rest of the bar.
MAX
It takes all kinds, I guess.
LUIE
I don’t know about that. But all kinds do tend to show up.
Luie begins to focus on one specific area.
LUIE (CONT’D)
(As if singing the Christmas Carol) Do you see what I see?
Max looks in the same direction and notices GREG (late 20s), a sharply dressed man who is obviously a drug dealer.
MAX
Indeed I do. Shall we?
LUIE Oh, we shall.
Max walks over to Greg. We watch them speak briefly then head toward the men’s restroom. After Luie pounds a shot that he didn’t order, he heads towards the bathroom and we follow him in. Upon entry, he heads to the stall where Max and Greg are doing business and chokes Greg from behind until he is unconscious, bumping his head on the toilet bowl as he falls. Max and Luie begin searching through his clothes and pockets.
MAX
Just a little coke here.
Max holds up three small bags of cocaine.
LUIE
A lot of cash here.
Luie holds up what appears to be ten thousand dollars.
MAX
Oh, shit.
LUIE
Time to go.
MAX
Um, yah.
They immediately leave the restroom.
CUT TO: EXT. GRINDHOUSE PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Max and Luie exit the Grindhouse and walk into the parking lot, heading across the street to the Hunting Lodge.
CUT TO: INT. THE HUNTING LODGE
Max and Luie enter and notice two attractive women, JASMINE (early 30s) and MISTEE (early 30s), sitting in a booth. Max and Luie look at each other and nod, as if they each know exactly what to do. As we follow Max to the bar, Luie goes over to the booth to join the ladies. Max approaches JAMES (30s), the bartender. Without saying a word, Max holds up two fingers and James nods, as if this is not the first time they have done this. After a few seconds pass, James puts two draft beers down on the counter. Max puts a hundred dollar bill down on the counter. James smiles.
JAMES
Thanks, bro.
Max grabs the two beers and heads toward the booth where Luie is talking with the women. Luie is sitting on the side with Jasmine.
LUIE
Max! This is Jasmine, and this is Mistee.
Max slides in next to Mistee.
MAX
Nice to meet you. How is your night going?
JASMINE
Pretty shitty, actually. Some douche-nozzle offered to buy us a bunch of drinks and then bailed, leaving us with both tabs.
LUIE
You don’t say? Well it’s all right. We, uh, we sort of won the lottery today.
JASMINE
No way?
MISTEE
For reals?
LUIE
Well, it wasn’t the fifty million Powerball or anything, but we went halfsies on a ticket. After Uncle Sam took his bite, we have a little more than a hundred grand between us. We were gonna go rent a suite in some fancy hotel downtown, order some room service, see if the guy at the desk can get us some tickets to the fights. Say…you wouldn’t want to… naw. You wouldn’t.
CUT TO: EXT. HUNTER’S LODGE PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Luie, Mistee, Jasmine, and Max exit the Hunter’s Lodge.
LUIE
My Beemer’s in the shop. You girls wanna take a cab, maybe get a town car?
JASMINE
As lovely as that sounds, I can’t leave my truck out here overnight.
MAX
Truck?
They approach Jasmine’s pickup truck. Mistee starts to crawl in the back.
MISTEE
Come on, Max. Climb in here with me.
Max looks at Luie to make sure they are on the same page. He then climbs into the bed of the truck.
MAX
Well all right then.
CUT TO: EXT. HIGHWAY – NIGHT
Jasmine is driving the truck down the highway. Max and Mistee are making out in the back with the wind blowing hard. Luie opens the rear cab window.
LUIE
Hey guys. We’ve finished the coke. Jasmine says she knows a guy, so we’re gonna make a pit stop. You good with that?
Max briefly stops kissing Mistee.
MAX
Kiss my ass!
LUIE
What was that?
MAX
I said I like cocaine and I think we should get some more.
LUIE
All right.
Luie closes the window. Max and Mistee go back to kissing.
CUT TO: EXT. VENITO’S FRONT PORCH – NIGHT
Jasmine, Mistee, Max, and Luie are all standing in front of the door as Jasmine rings the door bell. VENITO (early 30s), wearing only a bathrobe and boxers, answers the door.
JASMINE
Hey, Venito.
VENITO
Hey.
Venito eyes the two men.
VENITO (CONT’D)
Who’s this?
JASMINE
It’s not important. We need some toot. Can you help us out?
VENITO
Sure, whatever.
Venito opens the door and they enter.
CUT TO: INT. VENITO’S HOUSE
Venito leads the four of them down a hallway and into a room where Greg is sitting on a recliner with a bag of frozen peas up against his forehead. Upon seeing Max and Luie, Greg stands up fast.
GREG
Hey! Those are the guys! They’re – the – they jacked me at the Grindhouse.
Venito pulls out a gun, pistol-whips Max, and then holds the gun on Jasmine, Luie, and Mistee.
VENITO
Empty your pockets.
They all empty their pockets, including the money that was stolen from Greg earlier.
VENITO (CONT’D)
Wallets, too.
Luie and Max throw in the wallets.
GREG
What about the coke?
LUIE
We did it all. You weren’t even carrying enough for a legitimate intent to distribute beef.
Venito looks over at Greg.
VENITO
So you were telling the truth.
GREG
Told you.
VENITO
So you did.
GREG
Yeah. I did. Asshole.
VENITO
What the fuck?
GREG
I called you an asshole. You said all kinds of mean shit to me, and didn’t believe me. You were being an asshole.
As Venito ponders this, Luie jumps in, knocks Venito’s gun away, and begins to whale on him. Max, Luie, Jasmine and Mistee all make a run for the door.
CUT TO: EXT. STREETS OF THE CITY – NIGHT
Jasmine and Luie hurry into the truck as Max and Mistee jump into the back. The truck hurries off and Mistee tears off a piece of Max’s shirt to start dabbing on his wounded head.
MISTEE
Come on, Max. It’s not that bad.
MAX
We just got jacked by a stoner and a pretty boy. We got no money or cards for that hotel suite. And my head hurts.
MISTEE
Party ain’t over yet.
Max and Mistee start to make eyes at each other.
MAX
Can we go to your place, then?
MISTEE
No. It’s a mess, I mean a real mess, and kind of small. Jasmine’s…Jasmine’s place isn’t an option.
Mistee starts to contemplate options. Her eyes perk up.
MISTEE (CONT’D)
Hey, I have an idea!
MAX
Tell me.
Mistee opens the back window and sticks her head in, talking with Jasmine. Max waits patiently, unable to hear what is being said. Mistee pulls her head back out.
MISTEE
All right!
MAX
What, what?
MISTEE
We’re going to her work.
MAX
What?
MISTEE
Well, where she used to work.
MAX
Where’s that?
MISTEE
Home Depot. She used to be a department manager there, still has her keys and the security code and everything.
MAX
Did she quit?
MISTEE
No….
MAX
Shit-canned?
MISTEE
Yeah.
MAX
What for?
MISTEE
Don’t worry about it. What do you say, Max? You ever get it on in a Home Depot?
MAX
No, ma’am. No, I have not.
They kiss.
Brick Andrews is an accomplished comedian, actor and writer. Currently pursuing his Master of Fine Arts in Professional Screenwriting from National University, he earns his living through various acting roles and stand-up comedy performances throughout the Pacific Northwest. His credits include co-creator of the sitcom Denim Landers, starring in the web-series Turning Tricks, and participating in the “Shades of Laughs” comedy competition. Watch him perform here.
